Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
