Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
