So drunk its hurt
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
