Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
