Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
