so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
