Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
