So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Randomize
