Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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