i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
