You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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