He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
