Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
