just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have aggressive nipples.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
