Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
