We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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