I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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