I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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