Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
