he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
