So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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