K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
