In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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