I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
