Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
