I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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