he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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