Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if only i could text you this smell
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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