All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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