I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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