It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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