So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
