I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
