I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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