I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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