His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
