My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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