how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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