it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
sex in a hospital.. check
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
