The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
