dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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