I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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