i will never coherently bang her
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
