i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Less talking, more tequila
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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