I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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