look no pants
I didn't shave. On purpose
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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