what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
