i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
