Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
