My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
